Page 37 – The Real Me
*deep breath*
Starting out, I knew what kind of story I wanted to tell, though I also knew that readers will bring with them their own experiences, seeing things from a different perspective, rather than my own. And, honestly, I love this aspect of storytelling. (I think “subjective” is the word I’m looking for.)
When I was in the early stages of figuring out the characters, I couldn’t decide if the ghost character was going to be a man or a woman. I entertained different ideas at the time. What if they were twins? What if they were bound to the same skull… what if… what if… Then I thought about introducing readers to “Jacklyn” when in fact this was Jack all along. I felt as though telling a clear-cut transgender story wasn’t a story I had a right to tell, so I decided to tackle it differently. What if in Jack’s death, Jacklyn was “born” into this world as someone who knew deep down this wasn’t the truth? Jacklyn wants to hold onto this false narrative as some sort of comfort. If she had been with Jack that night, could she have saved him? Jack was someone who remained a constant in this afterlife and a constant reminder that he died because she couldn’t save him. The truth is, however, that Jacklyn was only a facade. This character was Jack from the first moment we are introduced to him. The whole comic leading up to this moment has been a source of anxiety and nervousness for me. I worry about those who grew to love “Jacklyn” and how they would feel when the truth was finally revealed. Ultimately, this is still the same character. Only the exterior has changed.
Throughout the journey in these past two chapters, I was silently agreeing with everyone when calling out to Amanita, “This is none of your business.” I’ve had to deal with people in the past when they forced themselves into my personal journeys, acting as though they knew me better than I know myself, trying to “fix me”, or forcing me to dress or behave to fit their idea of me. (Pepper is a part of that side of me, as well.) And I guess that’s one reason I keep a lot of things to myself. I’ve always felt like an outsider in my family–a black sheep. I could never talk to anyone about… stuff. So, I turned to art and writing as a form of therapy. I knew I wasn’t alone in my struggles, but I was definitely alone in my family. Most of my writing I tend to keep to myself, but it’s the comic here that has had the most readers than anything else I’ve created. That kind of spotlight does make me question the content I want to put out, which starts to feel like sanitizing my creativity in fear of backlash. I want to remain 100% true to my creation, to kick the fear of “What will my family think?” to the curb. (Some in my family do know I make a webcomic, but if you ask them what it’s about, the name, or the url, most of them won’t know.)
Taking a step back, I can see “Jacklyn” as the side of me I show others, the side of me I prefer family and others to see. But the unseen part, the “Jack” side, is the real me and the part I continue to protect.
I feel like I’m starting to ramble now.
I do want to say this; I know I don’t have many readers, but I’m thankful for every one of them. I am doubly thankful for those who also support me on Patreon, KoFi, or directly through PayPal. I know $1 doesn’t seem like a lot, but I truly appreciate every bit of it. Even for those who can’t support me that way, every Like, Retweet, or word-of-mouth advertisement about my comic is appreciated, as well. Thank you. 🖤
Phew! Writing all of this has been emotionally exhausting for me. What takes about several minutes to read, took me hours to write. I better post this now and walk away before I change my mind and delete it all.
Side note: Whenever I have drawn “Jacklyn”, I always drew Jack first.
Patreon has the Ham and Cheese (Page 38) for $1.